As the holiday season arrives and I am spending more time with family and old friends, I am finding that I am in need of some grounding. I spent the last three months busy with school and work. Also, on top of figuring out what I want to do with the start of my career, what my next move is, and where can I see myself in the next few steps of life, I am still trying to make time for the things I enjoy. I have strayed away from friends a bit, stayed in when I should be out, and neglected my own needs and wants all for just being too much in my own head. I think it is a bit of an anxious thing I trap myself in when I am unsure. I tend to spend more time thinking about futuristic ideas rather than just dealing with what I have in front of me. I am not a go with the flow person when it comes to major decisions, and it is something I am working on. I used to want to know everything, what, when, who, where, and why was my way of doing things. I grew out of this trend more as I started traveling. I realized I needed to be more open to flukes in a plan rather than shut down and stress just because something did not go as planned. I have been able to do this more and more, yet I have not accepted it in my self-planning. I want things to have a certain path and way of working out that I know will be a surefire plan. With all the time I spend in my own head being with my thoughts, I have found it difficult to keep up. I did not write as much, I did not laugh as much, and I certainly did not take care of myself the way I normally do. I am in a rut, and I am trying to get out of it as we speak.
Being present has never been as easy feat for me. Even when I was younger I would easily get distracted and my mind would wander from whatever I was supposed to be intrigued by. I found most things to be not as attention grabbing and I’d be off in my own thoughts and ideas. I am still a quick learner, I am able to pay attention and contribute, and I enjoy many subjects and topics. However, when I have a thought that is burning in my mind, good luck. I still hear everything and see what is going on, yet I am almost numb in a sense that I process it later because I have another thought taking my attention. I found that even when I wanted to pay attention, sometimes I would still have to try to keep my other thoughts resting in the back of my mind. This has been most extreme the past few months, hence why I am writing about it to reign it in a bit and owning up to not being present like I should.
Being present and in the moment is important to me. I make some pretty amazing memories when I am in the moment especially when I travel. I think I am most present when traveling because I am fixated on each moment. I want to know what is going to happen and I do not want to miss it. The unknown in this situation is exciting to me, and I am not hesitant or unsure when pursuing it. Going some place to explore is when I become more present, my mind shuts off for a bit and I am able to just think about the now. I think I find myself to not be present when I am going through a daily routine. I am used to it and I can do things absentmindedly because I do them everyday: I go to class, I go to work, I workout, I do school work, I go to bed. I am rarely just doing nothing. I sometimes think of all the things I do as nothing because it is such a routine that I sort of need to stick to, hence I get stuck. Wow, light bulb moment.
I need to change it up, mostly everyone needs it once in a while. Make it interesting. I may be busy, hardworking, and successful from a perspective of an outsider looking in and people always tell me to slow down or relax, yet I do not do the things I do for other people. I do them for me. I enjoy the things I do and it is not about being busy all the time. I even do things that, by the mere act, help other people, which is a consistent goal in my life. I need to do new things that make me excited rather than falling too much into routine, which makes me anxious. I know that it is okay to think, yet I need to make more realistic expectations about what is going to come out of the time I spend thinking. I am not going to solve my life future, it is not going to happen nor is it going to dawn on me at anytime. I will need to be okay that the unknown will stay that way until it is not. I need to bask more in the good things: go out with friends, take more weekend trips, try a new restaurant, go for a different workout, and remind myself that I need these doses of goodness, and it does not take a lot of planning or thinking; I just need to do it and enjoy being in the moment.