Thoughts: Lost and Found

I think life has a funny way of coming full circle when I do not expect something, then the unexpected happens, and then I seem to find myself wondering why, why did it happen, why did I not see it coming, how am I going to move forward? I am strategic and calculated, so when something out of the blue occurs I take my due time to reflect on what went awry. I have difficulty giving people a second chance, probably due to the countless times people have let me down or turned out to be a person who did not come into my life for the right reasons. I am not a grudge holder, yet I do not let people turn me around and walk all over me for a second time. I seem to have made this mistake recently, and I am rattling my mind as to why I kept this person in my life for such a long time…

I did not see it. I, in a sense, got swept off my feet in a spiral of excitement and anticipation. At first I believed it to be good, wholesome, and positive. We were inseparable. It started off as you and I, then we grew to a we, and we were one. Only a call away made each night, a drive down the street taken each week, an evening spent staying up late and just talking about life frequented countless times; we were quite the pair. Everyone saw it, nobody expected it. How could two people so drastically different become the best of friends? It was a balancing act, and I was stuck on this see-saw going up and down, and always compromising to meet in the balanced middle. I became too content with giving in for five years; I became numb to our bantering and disagreement, and I settled with it as normal conversation. I was still me; yet when I was with you, I dropped the me and became the we. I lost the standards that I set for myself and made you the exception.

I found myself again. It took a while to climb out of this portal of fantastical wonder. I looked down at who I became when I was stuck in this place, and I was angry: angry at myself for letting go of what I want, letting go of what I deserve, and losing sight of what I respect. It all came back like a punch in the face, and I hate that it hurt so much. A switch turned back on that reminded me of who I am and who I want to be, not who I pretend to be. It was a massive game of let’s pretend: pretend that I am okay with you disrespecting my opinion, pretend that I am fine with you giving me false hope, pretend that I am okay with just settling. I do not pretend.

Life is not made by pretending, I know that. I have always known this fact, and I am not ashamed that I lost sight of who I am when I was with you. In fact, I am coming to terms with the fact that this was needed, and I learned the important lesson of never giving up on myself for the sake of another. I can speak about this experience openly because I have come to terms with myself and this situation I put myself in. I do not blame nor hate, in fact I am learning to forgive, yet not forget. There are no more second chances, I used them all up. Am I too cynical? Maybe. This is the emotional part of me, and it is raw. I think I am able to let you go, despite our tragic downfall and the ultimate end of the line that you drew for me to either cross or turn away, I was hesitant. I chose to rise up out of the pit and see myself clearly for the first time in a long time. It hurts to see you still down there, and I think I could help if you would let me in, but I cannot sink back down, I will not let myself. I am stronger than I ever was before, it may sound cliche, yet it is true.

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